Howard Z. Lorber, csw Psychotherapist & Anthropologist
(212) 757-5489 hzl@allbluescounseling.comGROUP PRACTICE
There is an old story I read several years ago about the definitions of heaven and hell. I like to tell at the opening of all my new groups. The story is of a conversation between a Hasidic Rabbi and the Lord:
"I will show you Hell," said the Lord, and he led the rabbi into a room in the middle of which was a very big round table. The people sitting at it were famished and desperate. In the middle of the table there was an enormous pot of stew, more than enough for everyone. The smell of the stew was delicious and made the rabbi's mouth water. The people around that table were holding spoons with very long handles. Each person found that it was just possible to reach the pot to take a spoonful of the stew, but because the handle of the spoon was longer than anyone's arm, no one could get the food into his mouth, The rabbi saw that their suffering was indeed terrible. "Now I will show you heaven," said the Lord., and they went into another room, exactly the same as the first. There was the same big round table and the same enormous pot of stew, The people, as before, were equipped with the same long-handled spoons -- but there they were well nourished and plump, laughing and talking. At first the rabbi could not understand. "It is simple, but it requires a certain skill," said the Lord. "You see, they have learned to feed each other." Story quoted from Irvin D. Yalom, The Theory and Practice of Group Psychotherapy
So what does this mean?
When anyone – you, your loved one, me . . . anyone – believes they are with others but knows not how to either give to others or ask for help from others, they are in hell. They can’t have colleagues, because collegiality requires an ability to negotiate; they can’t have friends, because friendship requires give and take; and they can't be intimate because intimacy requires the ability to be know that you need to be fed, and be safe enough to ask for it.
This simple story is the basis for my group practice, indeed all my practice. To really get our human need met, we must be able to sense that others will respond to us in a positive, caring way. If we are silent, if we do not know how to ask, or if we try to ask in self-defeating ways, our human needs will be met only by accident, if at all. So we need to learn how to ask. But to learn how to ask is to learn that there are others around us with their own needs and points of view.
We need to learn to feel safe enough to ask. To be able to ask safely, we need to learn to sense just who is around us. If we know this: that we are not alone & that we can feel safe with others, we can then feel emotionally nourished. And the more we are emotionally nourished, the less we need to rely on trying to satisfy that hunger by stuffing ourselves with food, or substances, or purchases, or sexual acting-out.
(212) 757-5489 hzl@allbluescounseling.com